“I told him that he treated me better when we were dating. I feel like I don’t even know this person because he is NOT the man I married.”
So what happened? What causes people to change in marriage? Though the road begins mostly good, it can sometimes shift in life and become mostly rocky. It’s enough to make you want to scream, “Can we talk about these what abouts?” Just what are the what abouts?
What about the promise to stay? What about the dreams we made? What about the things that we said we would do? What about your solemn vow to love and honor me? What about our decision to go to school and build solid careers? What about you and me doing it together, TOGETHER?!
The list can go on, but the truth is that it takes a lot of work to maintain the freshness and vigor of marriage that seems to dwindle over time. Again, two humans, meshed, by the Spirit and with the Spirit, but not always walking in the Spirit. Trust me, after you have been in the Spirit, you’d better have some things in common. After you have left the marriage bed, you’d better be able to find some type of common ground to stand on.
Sometimes, life’s circumstances, be it employment, pressure, changes in socio-economic status, and so much more present hardships and one spouse may not know how to deal with it all. Perhaps, there have been feelings that have been harboring for years and now they are coming out. Perhaps, a mask of love and understanding was presented at the altar and that sheath has now faded away to reveal the person’s real thoughts and cares toward their spouse. You see, it’s not always infidelity, or money that causes problems in marriage. While one could argue they are at the top of the list, people change and it is not always for the better.
It is very important to make sure that you have the same goals and that you both visit the room of your dreams several times over. That’s the work of marriage. If not, one spouse can be sidetracked, yes, even those who are Christian and love God with their hearts.
So, perhaps you are reading this and you are asking, “BJ, should I end this marriage?” As we say in my home state of NC, “that’s neither here nor there.” In other words, this is not marriage counseling and I would not dare advise you to end a marriage. Truth is, when I finish this discourse, I am climbing in the bed next to my bride and tomorrow, if God’s willing, we are going to wake and try this thing called marriage for another day!
My heart went out to my loved one because the lack of sincere care in the marriage has been thrown at her so much, there is a feeling of apathy toward even wanting to make it work. Her new perspective is that of “doing what I gotta do for me.” I felt her pain. I felt how she said, “We started out fine. He’s a good man though. He is not ambitious and doesn’t care.”
Here are a few things that come to mind that may prove some positive results:
Take close inventory: Make sure you note the signs that may turn your spouse away from jointly pursuing the same goals you set in marriage. Find a way to close the faucet of your frustration and be sober-minded about that change that you want to occur in your marriage. Cry if you must, but get back to work, yes marriage is work, and note the items that you observe in order to obtain true understanding.
Seek true understanding: Stop looking at everything from your perspective. Sometimes, we fail at maintaining relationships because we view them one-sided. We think about what we want and what we want only. In seeking true understanding, try to get into the head of your spouse and find out what circumstances have brought you both to this point. Seek to know how he/she interpreted those situations. If you search deep enough, you may find that the root of the problem is in how they were raised, a bad experience or a misperception about something. They may feel intimidated or may have low esteem about themselves.
Play your part: Once you have some level of understanding of where your spouse’s perspective lies, find creative ways to achieve your goals jointly. If you spouse is intimidated, you may need to have a few cheering sessions, or compliment them more often. If its life’s circumstances, play your part in changing those things. There may come a time in your life when you have to carry your spouse. Yes, ladies, you may have to carry your husband for a moment. Don’t forget the vows that you pledged as you think about what your spouse may not be doing. Don’t become weary in your well-doing. A reaping time is coming. While it may require more than the average sacrifice on your part, your continued part is essential to the survival and restoration of the facets of your union.
Pray. Seek counseling if applicable. Pray. Understand. Pray. Fight for your marriage!
1 Corinthians 7:13-15 (The Message Bible)
12-14For the rest of you who are in mixed marriages—Christian married to non-Christian—we have no explicit command from the Master. So this is what you must do. If you are a man with a wife who is not a believer but who still wants to live with you, hold on to her. If you are a woman with a husband who is not a believer but he wants to live with you, hold on to him. The unbelieving husband shares to an extent in the holiness of his wife, and the unbelieving wife is likewise touched by the holiness of her husband. Otherwise, your children would be left out; as it is, they also are included in the spiritual purposes of God.
15-16On the other hand, if the unbelieving spouse walks out, you've got to let him or her go. You don't have to hold on desperately. God has called us to make the best of it, as peacefully as we can. You never know, wife: The way you handle this might bring your husband not only back to you but to God. You never know, husband: The way you handle this might bring your wife not only back to you but to God.
Bebe Winans put it best in a song. Enjoy. These What Abouts
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