I spoke to a loved one recently about life and love. After several years of marriage, she said “My marriage has changed.” At the surface of the conversation, she eluded that things were slightly different, but once we talked more, she confessed that she doesn’t really know her spouse anymore. “I told him that he treated me better when we were dating. I feel like I don’t even know this person because he is NOT the man I married.”
So what happened? What causes people to change in marriage? Though the road begins mostly good, it can sometimes shift in life and become mostly rocky. It’s enough to make you want to scream, “Can we talk about these what abouts?” Just what are the what abouts?
What about the promise to stay? What about the dreams we made? What about the things that we said we would do? What about your solemn vow to love and honor me? What about our decision to go to school and build solid careers? What about you and me doing it together, TOGETHER?!
The list can go on, but the truth is that it takes a lot of work to maintain the freshness and vigor of marriage that seems to dwindle over time. Again, two humans, meshed, by the Spirit and with the Spirit, but not always walking in the Spirit. Trust me, after you have been in the Spirit, you’d better have some things in common. After you have left the marriage bed, you’d better be able to find some type of common ground to stand on.
Sometimes, life’s circumstances, be it employment, pressure, changes in socio-economic status, and so much more present hardships and one spouse may not know how to deal with it all. Perhaps, there have been feelings that have been harboring for years and now they are coming out. Perhaps, a mask of love and understanding was presented at the altar and that sheath has now faded away to reveal the person’s real thoughts and cares toward their spouse. You see, it’s not always infidelity, or money that causes problems in marriage. While one could argue they are at the top of the list, people change and it is not always for the better.
It is very important to make sure that you have the same goals and that you both visit the room of your dreams several times over. That’s the work of marriage. If not, one spouse can be sidetracked, yes, even those who are Christian and love God with their hearts.
So, perhaps you are reading this and you are asking, “BJ, should I end this marriage?” As we say in my home state of NC, “that’s neither here nor there.” In other words, this is not marriage counseling and I would not dare advise you to end a marriage. Truth is, when I finish this discourse, I am climbing in the bed next to my bride and tomorrow, if God’s willing, we are going to wake and try this thing called marriage for another day!
My heart went out to my loved one because the lack of sincere care in the marriage has been thrown at her so much, there is a feeling of apathy toward even wanting to make it work. Her new perspective is that of “doing what I gotta do for me.” I felt her pain. I felt how she said, “We started out fine. He’s a good man though. He is not ambitious and doesn’t care.”
Here are a few things that come to mind that may prove some positive results:
Take close inventory: Make sure you note the signs that may turn your spouse away from jointly pursuing the same goals you set in marriage. Find a way to close the faucet of your frustration and be sober-minded about that change that you want to occur in your marriage. Cry if you must, but get back to work, yes marriage is work, and note the items that you observe in order to obtain true understanding.
Seek true understanding: Stop looking at everything from your perspective. Sometimes, we fail at maintaining relationships because we view them one-sided. We think about what we want and what we want only. In seeking true understanding, try to get into the head of your spouse and find out what circumstances have brought you both to this point. Seek to know how he/she interpreted those situations. If you search deep enough, you may find that the root of the problem is in how they were raised, a bad experience or a misperception about something. They may feel intimidated or may have low esteem about themselves.
Play your part: Once you have some level of understanding of where your spouse’s perspective lies, find creative ways to achieve your goals jointly. If you spouse is intimidated, you may need to have a few cheering sessions, or compliment them more often. If its life’s circumstances, play your part in changing those things. There may come a time in your life when you have to carry your spouse. Yes, ladies, you may have to carry your husband for a moment. Don’t forget the vows that you pledged as you think about what your spouse may not be doing. Don’t become weary in your well-doing. A reaping time is coming. While it may require more than the average sacrifice on your part, your continued part is essential to the survival and restoration of the facets of your union.
Pray. Seek counseling if applicable. Pray. Understand. Pray. Fight for your marriage!
Finally, I leave you with this passage:
1 Corinthians 7:13-15 (The Message Bible)
12-14For the rest of you who are in mixed marriages—Christian married to non-Christian—we have no explicit command from the Master. So this is what you must do. If you are a man with a wife who is not a believer but who still wants to live with you, hold on to her. If you are a woman with a husband who is not a believer but he wants to live with you, hold on to him. The unbelieving husband shares to an extent in the holiness of his wife, and the unbelieving wife is likewise touched by the holiness of her husband. Otherwise, your children would be left out; as it is, they also are included in the spiritual purposes of God.
15-16On the other hand, if the unbelieving spouse walks out, you've got to let him or her go. You don't have to hold on desperately. God has called us to make the best of it, as peacefully as we can. You never know, wife: The way you handle this might bring your husband not only back to you but to God. You never know, husband: The way you handle this might bring your wife not only back to you but to God.
Bebe Winans put it best in a song. Enjoy. These What Abouts
I was driving my automobile on a few days ago and realized that I am behind on its maintenance. It is time to change the oil, have the brakes checked and get a balance and rotation on the tires. Maintaining an automobile is so much more than just paying the note, filling it with gas and making sure it’s stocked with your favorite CDs. It could be much worse if I drove a luxury car for the costs of tires, engine parts would amount to so much more. Much is the same with your marriage and relationship. You must work to maintain the marriage or it may just fail you. Just as you have to keep the car washed on the outside and clean on the inside, so must you do with the precious gift of marriage. It’s work for sure! In the traditional sense of the concept of marriage, a man and a woman supposedly hop into a car adorned by tissue, bottles and graffiti, and ride off into the sunset headed straight for mari
tal bliss. That looks and sounds good, but even that same car that they hopped into needs tires, gas, and even windshield wiper fluid. If I may, allow me to highlight a few ingredients that your car of marriage requires to maintain a well-oiled machine as you travel down that freeway of love. Oil: Oil serves as the lubricant of the engine. It serves as a coating within the engine block that allows the pistons to continue to move freely and keep the engine flowing smoothly. Oil can serve as the life of a car. You can run out of other fluids in the car, but please don’t run out of oil. I don’t know what the oil of your marriage is, but find it and keep plenty of it handy. The oil of your marriage may be a soft answer that turns away wrath, or it may be a guaranteed kiss at night before bed and when you depart from your spouse. Whatever it takes to keep your marriage running smooth, do it. Sometimes in marriage, spouses get so caught up in looking at what their spouse is not doing, that they forget that they are not doing their part. We cannot always be reactive, but always proactive. Find some oil. It’s the life of the car of marriage. Gas: Gas is the substance that fuels and propels the car of marriage. Look into your marriage and find out what fuels your marriage and make sure you have plenty of it. For some, it could be frequent date nights, long trips, late night conversations or brunches on the back deck. Whatever propels your marriage toward your goals in
life, stock up on it the next time you make a pitstop. You are going to need all the gas you can get. That bad thing about gas is that if it is ignited with fire, it is very explosive and usually destroys anything or anyone that is around it, so don’t let anyone or anything cause sparks to get next to the fuel that propels your relationship. Don’t let them get anywhere near your gas tank and start smoking or lighting a fire. It could blow up your marriage! Wipers and Fluid: Windshield wipers are designed to remove precipitation and debris from your windshield to insure that you can see the road in front of you clearly. Typically, there are two blades that swing back and forth in rhythm. I said there are TWO blades! Hear me people. These blades synchronize themselves and swing which allows you to look forward and move on down the road. As rain, snow, or whatever may be blocking your view increases and gets worse, you must adjust the speed of the blades to a higher speed. Keep a clear view on your goals in marriage. That’s the only way you will be able to continue to drive. Pulling over for no reason is not an option in marriage, so turn up those wipers and keep moving down the road of life and marriage. Every now and then, we make the mistake of hitting a bird, or bugs may fly onto to the windshield leaving dried debris to stick to the windshield, obstructing your view. That’s when you must couple the movement of the synchronized blades with something called wiper fluid. This special fluid is formulated to remove the dry debris that has rested on your windshield. The debris may be crusty and hard to remove, but windshield wiper fluid is responsible for getting it off. During the winter months, it is also designed to remove sheets of harsh, cold ice that will deflect your view and make it impossible for you to see. You see, you need good wipers and wiper fluid as you embark on this journey called marriage. You need to be able to see clearly down the road, so you can stay on track and avert any road hazards. While looking through this windshield of marriage, you may see others on the side of the road who have stalled, those who have had to pull over for more gas and yes, even those who have totally wrecked and died in the crash, but when you both can see clearly your goal, your chances of survival are greater. Horn: A horn is necessary because there are careless drivers on the other side of your automobile. Sometimes, people, and things, outside of your marriage will try to derail you, but if you sound the horn, if you let it resound, you increase your chances of a successful marriage. Don’t let anyone come between you and your spouse. Your marriage is unique and special of itself. It is designed for you and your spouse, not even your children or your parents. There is a special place that has been designed for married couples and that place is one where no one else should be allowed. Use your horn when someone or something tries to wreck you and your spouse. That’s what it’s there for you see. Lights: Every now and then, you will find yourself trying to navigate your marriage through some cold, dark nights. These are nights when the moon may not even offer its light for use. You need to make sure you ha
ve lights so you can see. You won’t get too far if you cannot see at night. Often times, in marriage, you have to shine some light on situations. That’s right, you have to be real, open and honest, so that you can see circumstances for what they really are. Furthermore, Ask God to shine His light on the marriage. I guarantee you, if you ask Him, He will do it. Once His imminent light radiates, you will see your marriage for what it really is supposed to be. There are a few different types of lights: head lights, park lights, fog lights, etc. There are even interior lights, so that you can see what’s happening on the inside. Tires: Have you ever been driving when you suddenly experienced a blowout? It’s a sudden moment when your tire bursts while you are moving at a high speed. Most blowouts are associated with poor traction on the actual tire, not just debris on the road. Make sure you check the tires in your marriage, so that you don’t experience a blow out while driving. Emissions Testing: It is very common now to get required emissions testing. The purpose of emissions testing is to insure that your automobile is not releasing any harmful fumes, gases and that all exhaust systems are up to par. What does that have to do with marriage? You want to make sure that the image, or reality, of your marriage does not give off anything that is harmful to anyone who may observe your relationship. Your marriage should not cause others to stumble. People are watching you. These things and so many more will help us all to maintain good marriages and relationships. If you’re single, these principles still apply to life’s relationships. Happy driving. If you pass me on the road, speak, but don’t block my flow. Freeway of Love...check it out below! 
