Give the Best in You

Today, I pause from normal thoughts on general love to focus on someone most special to me, my wife. Today is her birthday and I want to personally salute the woman who has made me better.

On last evening, I saw a very bold and powerful stage production entitled, Fences, by August Wilson. This now-Broadway production features two very popular actors, Denzel Washington and Viola Davis. In Wilson's production, Denzel plays the role of a very proud and strong man named Troy. Viola depicts his wife, Rose, a quiet, but just as strong feminine opposite. After 18 years of supposed good marriage, trouble creeps into their home and they find themselves, along with their bonds of their marriage, at a crossroad. Troy's infidelity has caused a foundation that appeared to be so strong to be shaken. Rose's character explodes on stage at the initial onset of the news from Troy that he has fathered a child outside of their marriage and plans to maintain his relationship with his mistress, Alberta. Rose is distraught and very angry in that she has invested 18 years in the marriage and Troy doesn't really seem to care about what they have built together. One would think that after such a long time together, a "fence" would have been built high enough to keep out anything that would come in to harm what the preacher would say "God put together." With other plots and subplots coupled together through this journey of life on stage that so many can relate to in real life, tragedy hits home for Troy and Rose. Rose has to make a decision to allow this newborn child into her home and she must decide if she will help rear this child.

During her monologue, she exclaims to Troy that she gave him the best years of her life. She makes it very clear that she could have taken the opportunities that she had to enjoy her individual life, to sleep around, to hang out, party and live a calloused lifestyle. She thought that as she stood in the arms of marriage for almost two decades that she wasn't standing alone and that was all of the motivation she needed to continue to stand. Troy's response resounded in that he said that he loved her with his all. He gave her his all, his blood, sweat, tears, responsibility, care, protection and he loved he the best way he knew how, but the other woman offered him something that she didn't. She allowed him to laugh and be free. She allowed him to smile again, something that he lost many years ago in their early years.

Examine both characters without judging and you will see that in their own way, they gave the best in them. Because of their own perceptions of their responsibilities as spouses, they felt they offered the BEST of what was inside of them. I am certainly not justifying or celebrating infidelity. I say this. I celebrate Ayesha on her birthday today because continues to give me the best in her. She has never loved me half-heartedly. She has never offered me left-over love, but she has maintained our home, remained an active participant in cultivating our relationship and proven progressive on supporting the vision for our lives as husband and wife. Our goal remains to continue to give each other the best in us. Make sure you take time to love your friends, your spouses and your loved ones by giving them the best in you. Look inside and make sure that no matter what you do, who you love, who you serve or may come in contact with, you are found giving them the best that lies in you. Greatness is a choice. That's what you will be remembered for. While none of us are perfect, who really wants to be remembered for making the wrong choices, saying the wrong things, doing the wrong deeds? I am certain that Ayesha has had to make choices in her life to give me or someone else, the best or the worst in her. I believe she chose the best. Each day is a day to give someone the best that lies in you. If we have Christ, then the best already lies in you, but it's up to us to give it. There is nothing that I have done that causes Ayesha to be who she is. When I met her, she was a vessel already actively giving people the best in her. I met her serving in her church, being a shining light to her friends and remaining a leader among her peers. When you have the best in you, the best will come out. Many thanks to my inspirations, Ayesha Daniels and August Wilson. This blog-tribute is just a piece of the best in me! Enjoy this Anita Baker tune via Youtube.

'Til Death Do We Part

The dress fits correctly. The flowers are freshly prepared. Mothers are crying. Bridesmaids are trying to stop. Groomsmen are choked up and the little nephew that involuntarily became the "famed" ring bearer just won't stand still. The Lord's Prayer was sung just right! Hallelu-yer! (sings) D-o-o-o-o you know-w-w-w-w what today is-s-s-s-s?

Well, it's not your anniversary, it's your wedding day, but if you haven't really thought this through, you may never reach your anniversary. You're standing there proudly taking your vows before God and before men. It feels good, at least it feels like the thing to do. My advice: think it through again. Examine yourself and your potential mate before you tie that knot to make sure your goals in this union are in sync. SIDEBAR: Please know that I recognize that #1 - Bad things happen to good p eople everyday, #2 - Good people turn into bad people everyday, #3 - We all make mistakes and wrong choices in life.

That being said, my mind goes back to one thing my wife told me leading up to our wedding day, even on the night before our wedding. She told me that, if at any time, I didn't feel that I could do this or be what we both will pledge it to be, that I can back out, EVEN if at the altar. Yes, she gave me permission to back out at the altar, for she was willing to lose out on the value of the dress, the flowers, the tears of joy, the catering for a truth that cannot be taken back once vowed. A pride-removed statement could actually save you from a life of despair and frustration. To be quite honest, I was a bit nervous on our wedding day. I was only nervous that something may go wrong and upset her, but I wasn't nervous about my decision to marry this woman. Please take inventory of yourself and your potential spouse. Make lists and count up the costs. Examine yourself and make sure you are able to give your potential spouse what he/she needs. Wait! REWIND: Make sure you are willing to attempt to give your spouse what he/she needs. Make sure you are wiling to tolerate the habits and truths that you already see in your spouse. Some people saw signs and truths before they stood at the altar. They tricked themselves into thinking they can change their spouse only to find out that they could not change that behavior, and all of a sudden, it became intolerable. If your potential spouse exhibits a temper on a level that you dislike now, perhaps you need to decide if you can tolerate that in marriage.

What can you not tolerate? Trust me, it's not a magic ring that you will wear and it doesn't change your personality. What am I trying to say? Success in marriage is a long term goal. It's not a quick fix, not a business deal. I know of a family member who, when asked why he married, replied with, "We just thought it was something we would try." TRY? Try out a restaurant. Try out an iPad, but please don't try marriage. Marriage is an act of longevity. While many marriages don't last for whatever reason, (I'm not hatin') your marriage, to be or already existing, doesn't have to end up in divorce court. Pray. Think sensibly. Be honest with yourself. Be honest with your potential spouse. Show him/her off. Let your family members "check 'em out." While their opinion is not always absolute, sometimes, people can see what you cannot. I observed a case where "he" was never brought around even though he was requested. The wedding day came and the wedding left.....so did the love, if it was ever there. Now, someone reading this may say, but you don't understand. I have been waiting a long time to marry. BJ, you're married and you go home to someone everyday. While this may be true, we all bear the responsibility to "pray, think and confirm" before we say I do. I don't care how old you are. You can marry at 85 years old, but if it isn't right, it won't work. I'm just asking that you think it through again and act accordingly.

As I sit here by my wife, comfortable in the bed, she says to me, "There's a war going on. If you're gonna win, you better be sure you have Jesus deep down within." Random to some, but not so random to the believer. Go figure. The goal is 'Till Death Do We Part." That's what we say right? Check out this blog link. 'Til Death Do We Part

Can I just spend my life with you?

Just over 4 years ago, I asked this woman to spend her life with me. To date, we are preparing to have our second child, and it has been one of the greatest journeys I have ever been on. So many people ask, "What makes a great marriage?" Marriages must be customized based on the persons who are joined together. Our story is simple...

We both came from homes with parents who were divorced, so when and where did we possibly see an image of a great marriage? When did we catch a glimpse of how God intended for the marriage to be? I don't exactly know when, but we both knew that we wanted our marriage to work and were willing to take the risk at love.

Someone asked me last week, what things have helped shape our marriage into what it is today. There are many elements, but I focused on the first few that came to my mind:

#1 - God. God has to be first in our lives. Without God, we would be rather crazy at each other, not for each other. The foundation of our success lies in the principles of the Word of God and implementation of His love. It's really a no-brainer that God is love, true love.

#2 - Communication. We communicate with each other very well. We are both free to discuss our thoughts and express ourselves without feelings of intimidation. She doesn't have to walk around on eggshells and wonder if she can talk to me about things. I am a communicator by education, so she probably has it better than some women, in that I understand that communication moves relationships forward no matter what kind they are.

#3 - Trust. Real love does not come with its own risk and learning to trust someone is an element that must be mastered. We trust each other and we trust each other's judgement. I don't have to sneak behind her back and check up on her and vice versa. You just have to learn to trust!

#4 - We are friends. Yes, she is my friend first. We have so many things in common and communicate and celebrate our differences. Our cultural backgrounds are very different, so we had to take a look at them and examine some of the things that have helped shape us today as individuals. I suggest that you do the same if you are looking to marry. I love the fact that she allows me to be me around her. She does not nag or pressure me, yet seeks to understand more about me as I seek to understand her. Marriage says, "Hey, you are two different people. Marry, move in together and see if you can get along."

#5 - MY FAVORITE - We both seek to make the other happy. It is my goal to keep this woman happy for the rest of her life. If there is something that she needs or wants, then I will try my best to make it happen for her. She is the same way. Many problems and conflicts are avoided because we simply try our best to meet in the middle in light of making each other happy and comfortable. Marriage is NOT selfish! You cannot think of yourself only and expect your spouse to be married. Some of your greatest sacrifices will be made in marriage. I won't even begin talking about sacrifices for children. That's another post. There have been times when she wanted to watch something or eat something that I didn't want, but to make her happy and comfortable is my goal. It's not just one-sided. She does the same for me!

I personally know of a couple who have really had their share of struggles. While the meshing takes time and effort, EFFORT is the main element missing from the husband's history. He has put no effort into making his marriage successful. He doesn't care about what matters to her. He is selfish - eats for himself, focuses on his own leisure activities, shows no true affection and really doesn't care that his wife is very different from him internally. Why marry?! Once the tux and the dress come off, once the bed is made, you must put forth a great effort to be successful. What is the point in marrying if you are not going to make an honest attempt to live in harmony?! Successful marriage crucifies selfish thoughts and actions. If you're not willing, please leave marriage alone. I know the picture painted here is that of a walk in the park. Marriage has its challenges. Dr. Robin Smith says, "Marriage is not a battlefield."

As I progress, we will look at some of the challenges that people face in marriage. I promise to be transparent about what I have experienced and what I have observed in hopes of helping someone else. At the end of the day, Ayesha is still my choice. "Can I just spend my life with you?"