Who Will You Love First?

The comedian, Ricky Smiley, once told a joke about being UGLY. He said that that UGLY stood for you gotta love yourself. Being that today is my birthday, I am more convinced that you really do have to love yourself. If you don’t love yourself, you will end up treating everyone ugly, looking ugly, talking ugly…all because you have not chosen to be content with you and love yourself. Loving yourself is the core of self esteem. Loving yourself is the fuel that you need to love others. How many people in this world live off of their own insecurities and odd feelings about the inner and outer person called “me?” Don’t you know that you are fearfully and wonderfully made? God designed you to be YOU and no one else!

THE INSIDE ME

As I get older, I am growing to love the inside me more and more. There was a time in my life when I harbored all of the gifts, talents, thoughts, solutions and resolutions on the inside. I won’t say that I had a bad case of low self esteem, but I didn’t take all of the liberties afforded me to exhibit all that I could as a person. Today, I realize that I am the only person who suffered from those choices. Now, I love the inside me. The inside me is smart, near brilliant, witty, compassionate, loving and full of “I can do all things through Christ.” Oh no, the inside me is not perfect, but I have surrounded myself with quality convictions that keep me in check.

THE OUTSIDE ME

I love the outside me. I love the outside me so much that I am doing my best to take care of it. I exercise when possible and try to make better dietary decisions. It’s not about how you look physically if the outside me is suffering with hidden cares that you can control. Yes, I love the outside me. I do my best to stay groomed. I have some things to work on, but the outside me is okay.

As I celebrate my birthday, I challenge you to check the inside me and the outside me that lies in you. Make sure you love both parts of yourself. Make sure you do all you can for the benefit of the inside and outside you. Your body, heart and soul will thank you for it later. Introduce the inside me to the outside me and let them become acquainted. They do work hand in hand. Your inner thoughts about yourself affect the outer you.

So many people have low self esteem. Sometimes, they are in denial over how they really feel about themselves and it shows up in personality conflicts, poor spending habits and endless emotional journeys. Love God. Love yourself. Love others as He has commanded. You’re beautiful on the inside and the out. When you love yourself, others will see it and respect you for it. It’s a simple thought, but someone needs to hear it. There is great value in you my sister and my brother.

Enjoy these tunes:

Beautiful, Amber Riley, Glee Cast (Please watch the entire clip!)

Look at Me, Jenifer Lewis, Jackie Washington (For fun...hee hee), Jackie's Back

The Greatest Love of All, Whitney Houston

Freeway of Love

I was driving my automobile on a few days ago and realized that I am behind on its maintenance. It is time to change the oil, have the brakes checked and get a balance and rotation on the tires. Maintaining an automobile is so much more than just paying the note, filling it with gas and making sure it’s stocked with your favorite CDs. It could be much worse if I drove a luxury car for the costs of tires, engine parts would amount to so much more. Much is the same with your marriage and relationship. You must work to maintain the marriage or it may just fail you. Just as you have to keep the car washed on the outside and clean on the inside, so must you do with the precious gift of marriage. It’s work for sure! In the traditional sense of the concept of marriage, a man and a woman supposedly hop into a car adorned by tissue, bottles and graffiti, and ride off into the sunset headed straight for marital bliss. That looks and sounds good, but even that same car that they hopped into needs tires, gas, and even windshield wiper fluid. If I may, allow me to highlight a few ingredients that your car of marriage requires to maintain a well-oiled machine as you travel down that freeway of love. Oil: Oil serves as the lubricant of the engine. It serves as a coating within the engine block that allows the pistons to continue to move freely and keep the engine flowing smoothly. Oil can serve as the life of a car. You can run out of other fluids in the car, but please don’t run out of oil. I don’t know what the oil of your marriage is, but find it and keep plenty of it handy. The oil of your marriage may be a soft answer that turns away wrath, or it may be a guaranteed kiss at night before bed and when you depart from your spouse. Whatever it takes to keep your marriage running smooth, do it. Sometimes in marriage, spouses get so caught up in looking at what their spouse is not doing, that they forget that they are not doing their part. We cannot always be reactive, but always proactive. Find some oil. It’s the life of the car of marriage. Gas: Gas is the substance that fuels and propels the car of marriage. Look into your marriage and find out what fuels your marriage and make sure you have plenty of it. For some, it could be frequent date nights, long trips, late night conversations or brunches on the back deck. Whatever propels your marriage toward your goals in life, stock up on it the next time you make a pitstop. You are going to need all the gas you can get. That bad thing about gas is that if it is ignited with fire, it is very explosive and usually destroys anything or anyone that is around it, so don’t let anyone or anything cause sparks to get next to the fuel that propels your relationship. Don’t let them get anywhere near your gas tank and start smoking or lighting a fire. It could blow up your marriage! Wipers and Fluid: Windshield wipers are designed to remove precipitation and debris from your windshield to insure that you can see the road in front of you clearly. Typically, there are two blades that swing back and forth in rhythm. I said there are TWO blades! Hear me people. These blades synchronize themselves and swing which allows you to look forward and move on down the road. As rain, snow, or whatever may be blocking your view increases and gets worse, you must adjust the speed of the blades to a higher speed. Keep a clear view on your goals in marriage. That’s the only way you will be able to continue to drive. Pulling over for no reason is not an option in marriage, so turn up those wipers and keep moving down the road of life and marriage. Every now and then, we make the mistake of hitting a bird, or bugs may fly onto to the windshield leaving dried debris to stick to the windshield, obstructing your view. That’s when you must couple the movement of the synchronized blades with something called wiper fluid. This special fluid is formulated to remove the dry debris that has rested on your windshield. The debris may be crusty and hard to remove, but windshield wiper fluid is responsible for getting it off. During the winter months, it is also designed to remove sheets of harsh, cold ice that will deflect your view and make it impossible for you to see. You see, you need good wipers and wiper fluid as you embark on this journey called marriage. You need to be able to see clearly down the road, so you can stay on track and avert any road hazards. While looking through this windshield of marriage, you may see others on the side of the road who have stalled, those who have had to pull over for more gas and yes, even those who have totally wrecked and died in the crash, but when you both can see clearly your goal, your chances of survival are greater. Horn: A horn is necessary because there are careless drivers on the other side of your automobile. Sometimes, people, and things, outside of your marriage will try to derail you, but if you sound the horn, if you let it resound, you increase your chances of a successful marriage. Don’t let anyone come between you and your spouse. Your marriage is unique and special of itself. It is designed for you and your spouse, not even your children or your parents. There is a special place that has been designed for married couples and that place is one where no one else should be allowed. Use your horn when someone or something tries to wreck you and your spouse. That’s what it’s there for you see. Lights: Every now and then, you will find yourself trying to navigate your marriage through some cold, dark nights. These are nights when the moon may not even offer its light for use. You need to make sure you have lights so you can see. You won’t get too far if you cannot see at night. Often times, in marriage, you have to shine some light on situations. That’s right, you have to be real, open and honest, so that you can see circumstances for what they really are. Furthermore, Ask God to shine His light on the marriage. I guarantee you, if you ask Him, He will do it. Once His imminent light radiates, you will see your marriage for what it really is supposed to be. There are a few different types of lights: head lights, park lights, fog lights, etc. There are even interior lights, so that you can see what’s happening on the inside. Tires: Have you ever been driving when you suddenly experienced a blowout? It’s a sudden moment when your tire bursts while you are moving at a high speed. Most blowouts are associated with poor traction on the actual tire, not just debris on the road. Make sure you check the tires in your marriage, so that you don’t experience a blow out while driving. Emissions Testing: It is very common now to get required emissions testing. The purpose of emissions testing is to insure that your automobile is not releasing any harmful fumes, gases and that all exhaust systems are up to par. What does that have to do with marriage? You want to make sure that the image, or reality, of your marriage does not give off anything that is harmful to anyone who may observe your relationship. Your marriage should not cause others to stumble. People are watching you. These things and so many more will help us all to maintain good marriages and relationships. If you’re single, these principles still apply to life’s relationships. Happy driving. If you pass me on the road, speak, but don’t block my flow. Freeway of Love...check it out below!

Give the Best in You

Today, I pause from normal thoughts on general love to focus on someone most special to me, my wife. Today is her birthday and I want to personally salute the woman who has made me better.

On last evening, I saw a very bold and powerful stage production entitled, Fences, by August Wilson. This now-Broadway production features two very popular actors, Denzel Washington and Viola Davis. In Wilson's production, Denzel plays the role of a very proud and strong man named Troy. Viola depicts his wife, Rose, a quiet, but just as strong feminine opposite. After 18 years of supposed good marriage, trouble creeps into their home and they find themselves, along with their bonds of their marriage, at a crossroad. Troy's infidelity has caused a foundation that appeared to be so strong to be shaken. Rose's character explodes on stage at the initial onset of the news from Troy that he has fathered a child outside of their marriage and plans to maintain his relationship with his mistress, Alberta. Rose is distraught and very angry in that she has invested 18 years in the marriage and Troy doesn't really seem to care about what they have built together. One would think that after such a long time together, a "fence" would have been built high enough to keep out anything that would come in to harm what the preacher would say "God put together." With other plots and subplots coupled together through this journey of life on stage that so many can relate to in real life, tragedy hits home for Troy and Rose. Rose has to make a decision to allow this newborn child into her home and she must decide if she will help rear this child.

During her monologue, she exclaims to Troy that she gave him the best years of her life. She makes it very clear that she could have taken the opportunities that she had to enjoy her individual life, to sleep around, to hang out, party and live a calloused lifestyle. She thought that as she stood in the arms of marriage for almost two decades that she wasn't standing alone and that was all of the motivation she needed to continue to stand. Troy's response resounded in that he said that he loved her with his all. He gave her his all, his blood, sweat, tears, responsibility, care, protection and he loved he the best way he knew how, but the other woman offered him something that she didn't. She allowed him to laugh and be free. She allowed him to smile again, something that he lost many years ago in their early years.

Examine both characters without judging and you will see that in their own way, they gave the best in them. Because of their own perceptions of their responsibilities as spouses, they felt they offered the BEST of what was inside of them. I am certainly not justifying or celebrating infidelity. I say this. I celebrate Ayesha on her birthday today because continues to give me the best in her. She has never loved me half-heartedly. She has never offered me left-over love, but she has maintained our home, remained an active participant in cultivating our relationship and proven progressive on supporting the vision for our lives as husband and wife. Our goal remains to continue to give each other the best in us. Make sure you take time to love your friends, your spouses and your loved ones by giving them the best in you. Look inside and make sure that no matter what you do, who you love, who you serve or may come in contact with, you are found giving them the best that lies in you. Greatness is a choice. That's what you will be remembered for. While none of us are perfect, who really wants to be remembered for making the wrong choices, saying the wrong things, doing the wrong deeds? I am certain that Ayesha has had to make choices in her life to give me or someone else, the best or the worst in her. I believe she chose the best. Each day is a day to give someone the best that lies in you. If we have Christ, then the best already lies in you, but it's up to us to give it. There is nothing that I have done that causes Ayesha to be who she is. When I met her, she was a vessel already actively giving people the best in her. I met her serving in her church, being a shining light to her friends and remaining a leader among her peers. When you have the best in you, the best will come out. Many thanks to my inspirations, Ayesha Daniels and August Wilson. This blog-tribute is just a piece of the best in me! Enjoy this Anita Baker tune via Youtube.

Can I just spend my life with you?

Just over 4 years ago, I asked this woman to spend her life with me. To date, we are preparing to have our second child, and it has been one of the greatest journeys I have ever been on. So many people ask, "What makes a great marriage?" Marriages must be customized based on the persons who are joined together. Our story is simple...

We both came from homes with parents who were divorced, so when and where did we possibly see an image of a great marriage? When did we catch a glimpse of how God intended for the marriage to be? I don't exactly know when, but we both knew that we wanted our marriage to work and were willing to take the risk at love.

Someone asked me last week, what things have helped shape our marriage into what it is today. There are many elements, but I focused on the first few that came to my mind:

#1 - God. God has to be first in our lives. Without God, we would be rather crazy at each other, not for each other. The foundation of our success lies in the principles of the Word of God and implementation of His love. It's really a no-brainer that God is love, true love.

#2 - Communication. We communicate with each other very well. We are both free to discuss our thoughts and express ourselves without feelings of intimidation. She doesn't have to walk around on eggshells and wonder if she can talk to me about things. I am a communicator by education, so she probably has it better than some women, in that I understand that communication moves relationships forward no matter what kind they are.

#3 - Trust. Real love does not come with its own risk and learning to trust someone is an element that must be mastered. We trust each other and we trust each other's judgement. I don't have to sneak behind her back and check up on her and vice versa. You just have to learn to trust!

#4 - We are friends. Yes, she is my friend first. We have so many things in common and communicate and celebrate our differences. Our cultural backgrounds are very different, so we had to take a look at them and examine some of the things that have helped shape us today as individuals. I suggest that you do the same if you are looking to marry. I love the fact that she allows me to be me around her. She does not nag or pressure me, yet seeks to understand more about me as I seek to understand her. Marriage says, "Hey, you are two different people. Marry, move in together and see if you can get along."

#5 - MY FAVORITE - We both seek to make the other happy. It is my goal to keep this woman happy for the rest of her life. If there is something that she needs or wants, then I will try my best to make it happen for her. She is the same way. Many problems and conflicts are avoided because we simply try our best to meet in the middle in light of making each other happy and comfortable. Marriage is NOT selfish! You cannot think of yourself only and expect your spouse to be married. Some of your greatest sacrifices will be made in marriage. I won't even begin talking about sacrifices for children. That's another post. There have been times when she wanted to watch something or eat something that I didn't want, but to make her happy and comfortable is my goal. It's not just one-sided. She does the same for me!

I personally know of a couple who have really had their share of struggles. While the meshing takes time and effort, EFFORT is the main element missing from the husband's history. He has put no effort into making his marriage successful. He doesn't care about what matters to her. He is selfish - eats for himself, focuses on his own leisure activities, shows no true affection and really doesn't care that his wife is very different from him internally. Why marry?! Once the tux and the dress come off, once the bed is made, you must put forth a great effort to be successful. What is the point in marrying if you are not going to make an honest attempt to live in harmony?! Successful marriage crucifies selfish thoughts and actions. If you're not willing, please leave marriage alone. I know the picture painted here is that of a walk in the park. Marriage has its challenges. Dr. Robin Smith says, "Marriage is not a battlefield."

As I progress, we will look at some of the challenges that people face in marriage. I promise to be transparent about what I have experienced and what I have observed in hopes of helping someone else. At the end of the day, Ayesha is still my choice. "Can I just spend my life with you?"