These What Abouts

I spoke to a loved one recently about life and love. After several years of marriage, she said “My marriage has changed.” At the surface of the conversation, she eluded that things were slightly different, but once we talked more, she confessed that she doesn’t really know her spouse anymore.

“I told him that he treated me better when we were dating. I feel like I don’t even know this person because he is NOT the man I married.”

So what happened? What causes people to change in marriage? Though the road begins mostly good, it can sometimes shift in life and become mostly rocky. It’s enough to make you want to scream, “Can we talk about these what abouts?” Just what are the what abouts?

What about the promise to stay? What about the dreams we made? What about the things that we said we would do? What about your solemn vow to love and honor me? What about our decision to go to school and build solid careers? What about you and me doing it together, TOGETHER?!

The list can go on, but the truth is that it takes a lot of work to maintain the freshness and vigor of marriage that seems to dwindle over time. Again, two humans, meshed, by the Spirit and with the Spirit, but not always walking in the Spirit. Trust me, after you have been in the Spirit, you’d better have some things in common. After you have left the marriage bed, you’d better be able to find some type of common ground to stand on.

Sometimes, life’s circumstances, be it employment, pressure, changes in socio-economic status, and so much more present hardships and one spouse may not know how to deal with it all. Perhaps, there have been feelings that have been harboring for years and now they are coming out. Perhaps, a mask of love and understanding was presented at the altar and that sheath has now faded away to reveal the person’s real thoughts and cares toward their spouse. You see, it’s not always infidelity, or money that causes problems in marriage. While one could argue they are at the top of the list, people change and it is not always for the better.

It is very important to make sure that you have the same goals and that you both visit the room of your dreams several times over. That’s the work of marriage. If not, one spouse can be sidetracked, yes, even those who are Christian and love God with their hearts.

So, perhaps you are reading this and you are asking, “BJ, should I end this marriage?” As we say in my home state of NC, “that’s neither here nor there.” In other words, this is not marriage counseling and I would not dare advise you to end a marriage. Truth is, when I finish this discourse, I am climbing in the bed next to my bride and tomorrow, if God’s willing, we are going to wake and try this thing called marriage for another day!

My heart went out to my loved one because the lack of sincere care in the marriage has been thrown at her so much, there is a feeling of apathy toward even wanting to make it work. Her new perspective is that of “doing what I gotta do for me.” I felt her pain. I felt how she said, “We started out fine. He’s a good man though. He is not ambitious and doesn’t care.”

Here are a few things that come to mind that may prove some positive results:

Take close inventory: Make sure you note the signs that may turn your spouse away from jointly pursuing the same goals you set in marriage. Find a way to close the faucet of your frustration and be sober-minded about that change that you want to occur in your marriage. Cry if you must, but get back to work, yes marriage is work, and note the items that you observe in order to obtain true understanding.

Seek true understanding: Stop looking at everything from your perspective. Sometimes, we fail at maintaining relationships because we view them one-sided. We think about what we want and what we want only. In seeking true understanding, try to get into the head of your spouse and find out what circumstances have brought you both to this point. Seek to know how he/she interpreted those situations. If you search deep enough, you may find that the root of the problem is in how they were raised, a bad experience or a misperception about something. They may feel intimidated or may have low esteem about themselves.

Play your part: Once you have some level of understanding of where your spouse’s perspective lies, find creative ways to achieve your goals jointly. If you spouse is intimidated, you may need to have a few cheering sessions, or compliment them more often. If its life’s circumstances, play your part in changing those things. There may come a time in your life when you have to carry your spouse. Yes, ladies, you may have to carry your husband for a moment. Don’t forget the vows that you pledged as you think about what your spouse may not be doing. Don’t become weary in your well-doing. A reaping time is coming. While it may require more than the average sacrifice on your part, your continued part is essential to the survival and restoration of the facets of your union.

Pray. Seek counseling if applicable. Pray. Understand. Pray. Fight for your marriage!

Finally, I leave you with this passage:

1 Corinthians 7:13-15 (The Message Bible)

12-14For the rest of you who are in mixed marriages—Christian married to non-Christian—we have no explicit command from the Master. So this is what you must do. If you are a man with a wife who is not a believer but who still wants to live with you, hold on to her. If you are a woman with a husband who is not a believer but he wants to live with you, hold on to him. The unbelieving husband shares to an extent in the holiness of his wife, and the unbelieving wife is likewise touched by the holiness of her husband. Otherwise, your children would be left out; as it is, they also are included in the spiritual purposes of God.

15-16On the other hand, if the unbelieving spouse walks out, you've got to let him or her go. You don't have to hold on desperately. God has called us to make the best of it, as peacefully as we can. You never know, wife: The way you handle this might bring your husband not only back to you but to God. You never know, husband: The way you handle this might bring your wife not only back to you but to God.

Bebe Winans put it best in a song. Enjoy. These What Abouts

'Til Death Do We Part

The dress fits correctly. The flowers are freshly prepared. Mothers are crying. Bridesmaids are trying to stop. Groomsmen are choked up and the little nephew that involuntarily became the "famed" ring bearer just won't stand still. The Lord's Prayer was sung just right! Hallelu-yer! (sings) D-o-o-o-o you know-w-w-w-w what today is-s-s-s-s?

Well, it's not your anniversary, it's your wedding day, but if you haven't really thought this through, you may never reach your anniversary. You're standing there proudly taking your vows before God and before men. It feels good, at least it feels like the thing to do. My advice: think it through again. Examine yourself and your potential mate before you tie that knot to make sure your goals in this union are in sync. SIDEBAR: Please know that I recognize that #1 - Bad things happen to good p eople everyday, #2 - Good people turn into bad people everyday, #3 - We all make mistakes and wrong choices in life.

That being said, my mind goes back to one thing my wife told me leading up to our wedding day, even on the night before our wedding. She told me that, if at any time, I didn't feel that I could do this or be what we both will pledge it to be, that I can back out, EVEN if at the altar. Yes, she gave me permission to back out at the altar, for she was willing to lose out on the value of the dress, the flowers, the tears of joy, the catering for a truth that cannot be taken back once vowed. A pride-removed statement could actually save you from a life of despair and frustration. To be quite honest, I was a bit nervous on our wedding day. I was only nervous that something may go wrong and upset her, but I wasn't nervous about my decision to marry this woman. Please take inventory of yourself and your potential spouse. Make lists and count up the costs. Examine yourself and make sure you are able to give your potential spouse what he/she needs. Wait! REWIND: Make sure you are willing to attempt to give your spouse what he/she needs. Make sure you are wiling to tolerate the habits and truths that you already see in your spouse. Some people saw signs and truths before they stood at the altar. They tricked themselves into thinking they can change their spouse only to find out that they could not change that behavior, and all of a sudden, it became intolerable. If your potential spouse exhibits a temper on a level that you dislike now, perhaps you need to decide if you can tolerate that in marriage.

What can you not tolerate? Trust me, it's not a magic ring that you will wear and it doesn't change your personality. What am I trying to say? Success in marriage is a long term goal. It's not a quick fix, not a business deal. I know of a family member who, when asked why he married, replied with, "We just thought it was something we would try." TRY? Try out a restaurant. Try out an iPad, but please don't try marriage. Marriage is an act of longevity. While many marriages don't last for whatever reason, (I'm not hatin') your marriage, to be or already existing, doesn't have to end up in divorce court. Pray. Think sensibly. Be honest with yourself. Be honest with your potential spouse. Show him/her off. Let your family members "check 'em out." While their opinion is not always absolute, sometimes, people can see what you cannot. I observed a case where "he" was never brought around even though he was requested. The wedding day came and the wedding left.....so did the love, if it was ever there. Now, someone reading this may say, but you don't understand. I have been waiting a long time to marry. BJ, you're married and you go home to someone everyday. While this may be true, we all bear the responsibility to "pray, think and confirm" before we say I do. I don't care how old you are. You can marry at 85 years old, but if it isn't right, it won't work. I'm just asking that you think it through again and act accordingly.

As I sit here by my wife, comfortable in the bed, she says to me, "There's a war going on. If you're gonna win, you better be sure you have Jesus deep down within." Random to some, but not so random to the believer. Go figure. The goal is 'Till Death Do We Part." That's what we say right? Check out this blog link. 'Til Death Do We Part